Relapse happens before you drink. I love this saying I found a journal, of mine when I was first was trying to work on quitting drinking. When I was taught this saying I went back to my journal to take a look at what was going on, before I drank. And every damn time I recognized that I relapsed before I drank.

In the journal, there was a lot of hurt, a lot of anger, anger towards my husband, towards myself, feeling very left out, hating my life. Then there were the injustices, of the world that I could not change, people starving, my city I live in changing for the worse. I seemed to take it all on. It left me wanting to numb out, of course it did and of course I did. Looking back it makes perfect sense when you have anger and feeling not good enough, hatred it’s a perfect storm for drinking.

I can look back now and see the events leading up to my drinking, I also can see it in other people, a lot of time its anger/resentment/hatred that people are struggling with, because that’s what I struggled with. I watched a friend of mine relapse not long ago, and when I say watched, I mean I saw her going down the rabbit hole, she was angry at her life. I talked to her, she fluffed it off, she couldn’t see it until after. She was really lucky this time, she drank for about 3 days and got back to sobriety. I was never that lucky.

Relapse happens long before the first drink, this past month I found myself on shaky ground, but this time instead of in a journal and looking back I recognized it, anger at the world, at the manufacturing for the plastics we use, once again for my city doing nothing to fix our problems, and I was like no no no. I decided to use this anger this time for good, for speaking out for not hiding, for making my voice known, calling the city, calling out the government, by deciding to honour the anger. We are allowed to stand up for what we believe in. We do not have to be silent, we are allowed to be angry. We just can’t drink over it.

Remember relapse can happen at anytime, you just have to be aware of it, I have found some significant signs in my recovery: Anger is a huge one. So if you are angry honor it, meditate and use that anger to fuel change. Just don’t drink over it.

When recovery is not a straight path


I have been reading books about other peoples stories & how they got sober and they all seem to have one thing in common … “oh I  felt like shit, saw the light prayed for a solution and got sober”. WOW that is not how my road to sobriety looked like at all.  I have prayed, went to counselling, went to AA, cut off people, been willing and still ended up back at that bottle of wine.

In recovery it’s all about choices but there is a drive so deep that leads us addicts back to the bottle or drug of choice,  what is that itch, any addict knows it.  I call it an itch because that’s what mine is, its like a tingling in the back of my neck. That itch says  a glass of wine won’t hurt, one cigarette will feel so good with that wine and then, the line to sober up is probably a good idea and all of a sudden it’s the next day.  I would vow once again, while feeling like absolute crap,  I will never drink again, and I meant it at the time.  Then that itch would return in a week and I would need to scratch it.

People spoke to me about my drinking when I was in my early 20’s in my late 20’s and into my 30’s.  I was not an every day drinker, but when I drank I was destructive to my life.  I had no spirituality, though I wanted to and I made very very bad choices.  I would get sober for 3-6 months and then boom back where I started.  My road to recovery was not a straight path at all.

I have seen people with 1, 3 & even 12 years sober, drink again.  I have seen good upstanding citizens go back and scratch that itch. No addict is beyond that.  We all only live one day at a time.  I don’t count my days  (I didn’t count them drinking) I say thank you for my sobriety today, I have a sadhana practise that is part of every morning routine and today I live One Day at a Time and work on my sobriety.

If anyone is reading this and your path is not all glowy and rosy and a straight line,  there are lots of us out there who didn’t get sober the 1st, 2nd, or 100th attempt.

Know you are not a failure and you are not alone.

Just never give up, giving up. EVER.