RELAPSE HAPPENS BEFORE YOU DRINK

Relapse happens before you drink. I love this saying I found a journal, of mine when I was first was trying to work on quitting drinking. When I was taught this saying I went back to my journal to take a look at what was going on, before I drank. And every damn time I recognized that I relapsed before I drank.

In the journal, there was a lot of hurt, a lot of anger, anger towards my husband, towards myself, feeling very left out, hating my life. Then there were the injustices, of the world that I could not change, people starving, my city I live in changing for the worse. I seemed to take it all on. It left me wanting to numb out, of course it did and of course I did. Looking back it makes perfect sense when you have anger and feeling not good enough, hatred it’s a perfect storm for drinking.

I can look back now and see the events leading up to my drinking, I also can see it in other people, a lot of time its anger/resentment/hatred that people are struggling with, because that’s what I struggled with. I watched a friend of mine relapse not long ago, and when I say watched, I mean I saw her going down the rabbit hole, she was angry at her life. I talked to her, she fluffed it off, she couldn’t see it until after. She was really lucky this time, she drank for about 3 days and got back to sobriety. I was never that lucky.

Relapse happens long before the first drink, this past month I found myself on shaky ground, but this time instead of in a journal and looking back I recognized it, anger at the world, at the manufacturing for the plastics we use, once again for my city doing nothing to fix our problems, and I was like no no no. I decided to use this anger this time for good, for speaking out for not hiding, for making my voice known, calling the city, calling out the government, by deciding to honour the anger. We are allowed to stand up for what we believe in. We do not have to be silent, we are allowed to be angry. We just can’t drink over it.

Remember relapse can happen at anytime, you just have to be aware of it, I have found some significant signs in my recovery: Anger is a huge one. So if you are angry honor it, meditate and use that anger to fuel change. Just don’t drink over it.


I’m No Fun Anymore

Today my husband and I had a huge argument and true to all arguments we have, it derailed from the actual issue.  I told him he is doesn’t do anything (as in go out and enjoy life, not as in work, he is a very hard worker) he told me “how can he go do anything with me when I’m no fun anymore”.

Wow that broke me and made me more furious LOL yes I am allowed to be angry, I give myself permission to feel all feelings.   Back story, he was my drinking partner, as almost all my exes had been.  We met through a mutual friend and we re-met in a liquor store.  We went to pubs on every date we did, we took beer and wine on bike trips, we went to concerts in the park and drank wine, art openings we drank before during and after.  We were at the local beach pub in the summer always.  On holidays it was a party.  We’d have great drunk sex.   As so many stories go the party always gets old, and then we started not having fun while drinking, arguing more and more. We would go to bed angry, not having sex, we didn’t have friends around, who wants to listen to people fight when drinking, we were  isolating and drinking  and just really being an unmotivated, overpromising drunk couple. The fun at the end was limited, 95% of most nights did not end up as fun.

For the past few years the first year in damage control mode (IE trying to moderate) and then the past year in trying sobriety one of the reasons I would end up drinking is because we weren’t getting along and we didn’t communicate so I would drink to try and have fun with him and some nights it was ok, but read the last sentence up above again, the nights did not end  up as fun. Definition of insanity: doing the same things over and over again, hoping for a different result.  Was my life.

He’s right I don’t participate in his fun.  My fun and his fun are now completely different.  My fun is yoga, scrapbooking, playing tourist, going for coffees, having meaningful conversations, volunteering, doing random acts of kindness, dancing in the kitchen, taking goofy selfies, working out, going for coffee, visiting friends,  biking, hiking, travelling, doing puzzles, cooking, my cats, going to the beach, doing events that are on in my City.  He’s still is doing what we did when we met, basing everything around a cocktail.

Now in the old days pre 6 months ago, I would drink to get us back to “normal” Today I yelled “your right I’m not doing your fun things”. It felt good to say that I want him to know I’m serious about my new life.  I love my fun life love it.

The argument I am lonely in this journey, but it’s my journey and I’m not willing to give up on my marriage, yet.  His drinking has cut down, but his mindset has not changed and like all change it’s scary.  I was ready he is not. I have to remember daily we can only change ourselves not someone else.

We have since talked and I literally told him what I have written here, and he agrees we need to find things to do together, that don’t involve drinking or scrapbooking.

What do you and your spouse do together?

Another Sober Sunday

Christina

No, I don’t hate drinking.

I thought about this today, I hate life after I’ve been drinking.  Not during not before but after, someone said the other day they hated drinking oh no, I don’t hate drinking not at all.

I hate after. After, to me is long before the hangover, after is;  When the fight starts with your spouse, or friend, or the  bouncer in a pub.   Or you make out or go home with some random guy, or you hook up with your ex (ugh the worst). You cheat on your spouse, or you fall down in public, or decide it’s ok to walk home at 3am by yourself.   Or you do dumbest thing on earth &  drive, or decide to use drugs that you never would think of using when sober, or you throw up in public.  It’s when you drunk text, Facebook  things that are so inappropriate or plain mean or rude.

I hate life after I’ve been drinking, the stupidity levels and not caring that it  allowed me to do was still indescribable to even me.  Sometimes I don’t even think I would believe my own story if I was the listener.   It’s so surreal.  What I do try and remember are those things above, all of which I have done and worse.  That’s my “why”.

All I know is we do recover and I don’t hate drinking because not everyone who drinks has these experience , I hate life after I’ve been drinking. So I don’t drink.