When I began looking at my relationship with alcohol, I stopped and started many times. In my mind I was failing at quitting. Then days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months. I was super proud of myself. Though deciding on my own to quit, there was no intervention, there was no public announcement, there was “no I quit” I didn’t tell a soul in fear of failure. I would just politely decline alcohol. People were starting to notice.
SHAME IN NOT BEING ABLE TO DRINK
In fact I never even opened up to my own family. I was ashamed I couldn’t handle my alcohol, I couldn’t handle what millions of people around the world deem as normal. I felt like shit. Being that it was Mothers Day yesterday, I was thinking back to a year ago. I was about 9 months sober and my son and his girlfriend took me out for dinner. They were drinking these fabulous belini’s and my son handed it to me and said try a sip and I faked trying a sip as I didn’t want to tell him.
My entire life I’ve felt like I was less than, not drinking was feeling once again that I was less than.
Fast forward a few more months, after that Mothers Day Dinner in 2018 and I changed my mindset, to I am more than, not less than. I am doing what millions & millions of people deem not normal, how amazing is that! I lived in that truth. Now everyone knows.
Back to Shame
Almost two years into not drinking, I am back to shame. For some reason these past few months I have , not really wanting to talk about not drinking, maybe because it’s part of my lifestyle now, or maybe because there is something that needs to be healed. I’m not too sure.
Has anyone else gone through this? Please Comment, looking for suggestions, advice… anything
Last week I overdid my exercise. Early Monday morning I went to spin, it was a beautiful day so I went for a 5km run. This past year I have been on a mission to building & strengthening my core through exercise.
As soon as I was home my lower back was aching, by the next morning I was very stiff. Having trouble walking and moving the wrong way, would take my breath away. I knew I was not going to be exercising.
Hit up my chiropractor and he squeezed me in, and told me to take the rest of the week off. I freaked I’m training for a half marathon (and I’m 47) and not the best at running long distances. He said well it’s either that or your back is going to go out and you will be on the floor, at the moment you have a spasm, and a choice. I coach fitness clients, I exercise daily what in the hell was I going to do.
5 Things that happened, taking a week off exercise.
- First off I got caught up work. I did things that I’ve been putting off like updating websites, blogging, filing, organized my office.
- As a result of being more organized, I was able to work on my self care. Stretching was my number one priority this week and I admit I need to do more of it.
- Reading is also high on my self care list and in The Teetotalers Book Club we are reading You Are a Bad Ass by Jen Sincero.
- I went for walks with my husband and spent some quality time together. I am use to doing things at a fairly high pace and walking is not usually one of them it has been so nice.
- Decided to try out a few new healthy recipes, but I also found I ate more junk food, usually I keep my healthy eating at 90% with 10% junk food and this past week I have found it has been more at 75% and 25% junk food. Food and exercise have a high correlation.
All in all my back is feeling better, and I am excited to get back to running, lifting and spinning. To get back into routine, as I think that has been the hardest part for me being so completely out of routine. I will be easing into the my workouts!
- “I drink my wine so fast I get smashed before dinner” time to switch to coolers”
- “I’m going to switch from coolers back to wine all that carbonation is making me bloated and I can drink a lot of coolers”
- “We can’t drink during the week anymore week anymore, I feel like hell
- I’ll only drink on Friday and Saturday. Oh ok Sunday brunch too.
- “I’ll only do one Wine Wednesday a month
- “I’ll only have a glass of wine with dinner”
- ” I’m going to switch to vodka and soda even though I don’t really like the taste of it, but I’m packing on the pounds from all the coolers”
- “We need to drink right after work, not later’
- “We need to start drinking during the day so we can go to bed early and don’t have a have a hangover tomorrow.”
The above were all things I said aloud or in my head, I’m sure there were a hundred more, what I didn’t know at the time was I was trying to moderate. I’d never heard that term before I started digging into my Recovery. To my way of thinking I was just trying to have less of a hangover on work days and less of a shit show and of course more control.
This conversation has come up lately in a few of my sober groups and with friends. We have talked about trying to control our drinking with switching out, switching up, and doing things differently. The overwhelming thing was every one I have talked with has done the control thing in one form or another, Each and Every One, that’s a 100% statistic.
The other statistic that came out was every single person has googled something about controlling drinking, or if they were an alcoholic, or about alcohol problems.
Deep down, in your gut/intuition if you are trying to control an issue, you know it’s a problem whether it’s a phase in your life or an actual problem is something that only time tells.
I have gone through stages in my life where my drinking was more then less, but when I started trying to have to control it, because my mental health, my overall well being and the gong show of evenings were becoming more regular than not and I couldn’t get it under control, (ie everything you just read up top wasn’t working) that’s when I knew it was time to look at stopping (but that’s another blog post)
Can you identify with any of the above moderations? I’d love to hear about it.