When I began looking at my relationship with alcohol, I stopped and started many times. In my mind I was failing at quitting. Then days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months. I was super proud of myself. Though deciding on my own to quit, there was no intervention, there was no public announcement, there was “no I quit” I didn’t tell a soul in fear of failure. I would just politely decline alcohol. People were starting to notice.
SHAME IN NOT BEING ABLE TO DRINK
In fact I never even opened up to my own family. I was ashamed I couldn’t handle my alcohol, I couldn’t handle what millions of people around the world deem as normal. I felt like shit. Being that it was Mothers Day yesterday, I was thinking back to a year ago. I was about 9 months sober and my son and his girlfriend took me out for dinner. They were drinking these fabulous belini’s and my son handed it to me and said try a sip and I faked trying a sip as I didn’t want to tell him.
My entire life I’ve felt like I was less than, not drinking was feeling once again that I was less than.
Fast forward a few more months, after that Mothers Day Dinner in 2018 and I changed my mindset, to I am more than, not less than. I am doing what millions & millions of people deem not normal, how amazing is that! I lived in that truth. Now everyone knows.
Back to Shame
Almost two years into not drinking, I am back to shame. For some reason these past few months I have , not really wanting to talk about not drinking, maybe because it’s part of my lifestyle now, or maybe because there is something that needs to be healed. I’m not too sure.
Has anyone else gone through this? Please Comment, looking for suggestions, advice… anything
Last week I overdid my exercise. Early Monday morning I went to spin, it was a beautiful day so I went for a 5km run. This past year I have been on a mission to building & strengthening my core through exercise.
As soon as I was home my lower back was aching, by the next morning I was very stiff. Having trouble walking and moving the wrong way, would take my breath away. I knew I was not going to be exercising.
Hit up my chiropractor and he squeezed me in, and told me to take the rest of the week off. I freaked I’m training for a half marathon (and I’m 47) and not the best at running long distances. He said well it’s either that or your back is going to go out and you will be on the floor, at the moment you have a spasm, and a choice. I coach fitness clients, I exercise daily what in the hell was I going to do.
5 Things that happened, taking a week off exercise.
- First off I got caught up work. I did things that I’ve been putting off like updating websites, blogging, filing, organized my office.
- As a result of being more organized, I was able to work on my self care. Stretching was my number one priority this week and I admit I need to do more of it.
- Reading is also high on my self care list and in The Teetotalers Book Club we are reading You Are a Bad Ass by Jen Sincero.
- I went for walks with my husband and spent some quality time together. I am use to doing things at a fairly high pace and walking is not usually one of them it has been so nice.
- Decided to try out a few new healthy recipes, but I also found I ate more junk food, usually I keep my healthy eating at 90% with 10% junk food and this past week I have found it has been more at 75% and 25% junk food. Food and exercise have a high correlation.
All in all my back is feeling better, and I am excited to get back to running, lifting and spinning. To get back into routine, as I think that has been the hardest part for me being so completely out of routine. I will be easing into the my workouts!
A recovery coach told me when I got sober, to go through the same ritual with mocktails, that I did with my cocktails, make a fancy drink they said, put it in a fancy glass enjoy. So on a hot May evening in 2017 that’s what I did, following the exact same habit looking up a recipe, making the mocktail, adding it to a fancy glass, with a lemon wedge, then sitting on the patio and then pretending. I might as well have just added the vodka to this pretty drink right then and there. I drank the next night. I have never made a mocktail at home again.
I never liked the idea of making mocktails at home, typically I drink water in general, before I got sober, I gave up pop years ago (was never a big drinker of it anyways) sometimes I’ll have fresh OJ with brunch, and of course Grape Gatorade when I was hungover (funny thing is I haven’t had a Gatorade since I got sober). But in general I drink 1 cup of coffee in the morning, and water. So the mocktail to me is like calling a tofu steak a real beef steak, it was not the real deal and when your in the mood for a beef steak and you get served tofu, it doesn’t cut it, in fact it made me crave alcohol more than ever.
I do order mocktails out sometimes, at work events or on Valentines Day and the Occasional Special dinner out but honestly 90% of them have been ok 10% have been amazing the one I paid $9.00 for, I felt ripped off.
The other problem I find with mocktails is they tend to be high in sugar drinks. Which in turn I crave more sugar.
I have tried other drinks like la croix and honestly it was just carbonated water, which I am not a fan of carbonated drinks. I don’t like feeling bloated and their coconut flavour tasted like Malibu to me. So another trigger.
So in the end I decided I’ll just stick with my water & coffee and my afternoon tea because mocktails are not all innocent to me.
Have you ever found mocktails triggering or do they satisfy the craving for a drink for you? Tell me in the comments I’m super interested.