I’m No Fun Anymore

Today my husband and I had a huge argument and true to all arguments we have, it derailed from the actual issue.  I told him he is doesn’t do anything (as in go out and enjoy life, not as in work, he is a very hard worker) he told me “how can he go do anything with me when I’m no fun anymore”.

Wow that broke me and made me more furious LOL yes I am allowed to be angry, I give myself permission to feel all feelings.   Back story, he was my drinking partner, as almost all my exes had been.  We met through a mutual friend and we re-met in a liquor store.  We went to pubs on every date we did, we took beer and wine on bike trips, we went to concerts in the park and drank wine, art openings we drank before during and after.  We were at the local beach pub in the summer always.  On holidays it was a party.  We’d have great drunk sex.   As so many stories go the party always gets old, and then we started not having fun while drinking, arguing more and more. We would go to bed angry, not having sex, we didn’t have friends around, who wants to listen to people fight when drinking, we were  isolating and drinking  and just really being an unmotivated, overpromising drunk couple. The fun at the end was limited, 95% of most nights did not end up as fun.

For the past few years the first year in damage control mode (IE trying to moderate) and then the past year in trying sobriety one of the reasons I would end up drinking is because we weren’t getting along and we didn’t communicate so I would drink to try and have fun with him and some nights it was ok, but read the last sentence up above again, the nights did not end  up as fun. Definition of insanity: doing the same things over and over again, hoping for a different result.  Was my life.

He’s right I don’t participate in his fun.  My fun and his fun are now completely different.  My fun is yoga, scrapbooking, playing tourist, going for coffees, having meaningful conversations, volunteering, doing random acts of kindness, dancing in the kitchen, taking goofy selfies, working out, going for coffee, visiting friends,  biking, hiking, travelling, doing puzzles, cooking, my cats, going to the beach, doing events that are on in my City.  He’s still is doing what we did when we met, basing everything around a cocktail.

Now in the old days pre 6 months ago, I would drink to get us back to “normal” Today I yelled “your right I’m not doing your fun things”. It felt good to say that I want him to know I’m serious about my new life.  I love my fun life love it.

The argument I am lonely in this journey, but it’s my journey and I’m not willing to give up on my marriage, yet.  His drinking has cut down, but his mindset has not changed and like all change it’s scary.  I was ready he is not. I have to remember daily we can only change ourselves not someone else.

We have since talked and I literally told him what I have written here, and he agrees we need to find things to do together, that don’t involve drinking or scrapbooking.

What do you and your spouse do together?

Another Sober Sunday

Christina

Tis the Season

Family you can’t pick them, but you can sure as hell set boundaries.  Tonight I almost made a conscious decision to drink, I had been so overwhelmed by emotions that happened today.  I didn’t and I wasn’t craving a drink per se, I was craving to escape the feelings that had come up, from dealing with my family.

My sister in law this morning started by day off with a  text that was rude, I was vibrating mad and hurt.  I was in the process of buying her son (my nephew a gift ) I was so freaking upset.  What did I do I didn’t respond, to her, I wanted to lash out.  I wanted to call her an ungrateful bitch.  I did not.  You cannot control anyone else’s actions you can control your own reactions.

Then tonight my Dad text me and it was a rude text as well.  Back story.. I had had an amazing day yesterday and it included going up a Mountain and doing a Christmas Village and a whole amazing experience, my Dad text me while we were there.  I answered him because I know he gets pissy if you don’t text him back, I also set a boundary as with him he thinks its a phone conversation with hello, goodbye’s etc and a 1/2 hour conversation via text in between..  So I sent him a pic of the kids told him I’d send him more later, but we were off to a sleigh ride.  No problem.  So I didn’t get home until close till 11pm and was beat.  Got up at 545 AM went to spin, went to get my nephew a gift then off to work and then more work  ( I am tying up year end, if anyone knows about accounting and books, and receivables, you will understand the hell I am in.) and then was sitting here and I get a text from him saying “Nice pics you sent”  “Thank you”  Like what the fuck is wrong with my family.  I wanted to say did you take the same pissy pill as my sis in law.  I did not.  I did not respond. I also did not want to send the pics as I have decided to give a couple as Christmas gifts to them.  I may not know I’m done with Christmas Gifts at the moment and not feeling so loving.

I reached out to my sober g/f and vented, told her about thinking drinking she suggested not to carry around this anger write about it.  So here I am.

  1. I did not respond to either texts even though I wanted to lash back at both of them.  My integrity and response is more important to my health and not causing chaos than their actions.
  2. Text messaging sucks ass, also it does not require an immediate response.  Just like a phone call you do to have to pick up.
  3. I was mad which often equals hurt.  Your allowed to have these feelings! Wow that was a realization.
  4. I was hurt not one of these two thought about my feelings or my day, or what they said.  Just about themselves, again I cannot control this.  Realizing this has helped me breathe through this
  5. I did something I wanted to do tonight which was craft, not drink.
  6. I ate a proper dinner tonight, when I realized this was all happening about me wanting to drink I also realized I had not eaten since breakfast.
  7. I reached out to someone who understands actually 2 people, one about the choice about drinking and one about my family.  Both G/F’s deal with these situations.  It helped having someone to talk to.
  8. Realizing that giving up my sobriety because my family triggered me I would have been madder at myself tomorrow.  They are NOT a reason to drink.
  9. I may not go spend as long at my parents house for Christmas as planned.  I will see.
  10. A moment of Patience in a moment of Anger saves a thousand moments of Regret.

 

Remembering that my own reactions are the only ones I can control today.

Peace out, here’s to another sober day!

 

 

 

Overly Sensitive or Awake Now

So a few things have been coming to light, I never viewed myself as a sensitive person in fact I would describe myself more as a hard ass than sensitive, (I’ve been called Gemma – as in the matriarch from Sons of Anarchy gulp) I don’t think I’m that hard.    I’ve always had to be tough though, since I left home I put myself into situations that I shouldn’t have, I dated the wrong for me guys, I have partied myself financially destitute, I’ve been a single mom, I have always had a strong work ethic so I’ve worked 2 or 3 jobs to get ahead, I ensured that we always lived in a great neighbourhood.  I’ve been strong and I have ugly cried.

Now I am sober, I feel that I’m being oversensitive, maybe I always was but numbed it,  as I am watching this journey of emotions it’s very very intriguing to me to explore what is going on.

Three things today happened:

  1. I was sitting at the front door and my husband barged in front of me, trying to get out the front door , kinda of tilting me over and I barked at him that everything was always about him.  Then my eyes welled up, as our marriage is not good as it is.  I started to explore this was this me being sensitive or me becoming aware that his behaviour is quite rude.
  2. I was having coffee with a girlfriend today who is also in sobriety, first I was happy that I was able to stand up to her and say no ( she had wanted me to drive a long way out of my way to meet her at 1:30 because she had Christmas shopping to do in a certain part of the city that is crazy busy)  We compromised on a later time and a coffee shop near both our houses.  Not once did she ask about my life or sobriety.  The only thing she said was “your rocking it” I said yes everything is going well.  I didn’t tell her anything about anything.  The entire conversation revolved  about her and her life and sobriety.  I left her feeling empty and had tears in my eyes I spent an hour with her of my precious time.  I was feeling very aware here.
  3. I met up with another friend to give her, her Christmas Card and give her a hug as she is heading to a Recovery Home for 90 days and I can’t see her for 30 days, we talked about everything my life, her life the changes, everything.  I left after 20 mins feeling so proud of her for doing this and so fulfilled and tears in my eyes,  tears of joy and how much I’m going to miss her.  So sensitive and awake.

I am so aware now of people and their actions, I know I cannot control them, just my reaction towards them.  I leave today feeling bewildered three very different situations and so much sensitivity and feelings around all of them, pondering my part in them all.  Human behaviour is so very complex.

Have you been more sensitive and awake to others behaviour and situations in your sobriety?

Grateful for another sober day.

Christina