Today my husband and I had a huge argument and true to all arguments we have, it derailed from the actual issue. I told him he is doesn’t do anything (as in go out and enjoy life, not as in work, he is a very hard worker) he told me “how can he go do anything with me when I’m no fun anymore”.
Wow that broke me and made me more furious LOL yes I am allowed to be angry, I give myself permission to feel all feelings. Back story, he was my drinking partner, as almost all my exes had been. We met through a mutual friend and we re-met in a liquor store. We went to pubs on every date we did, we took beer and wine on bike trips, we went to concerts in the park and drank wine, art openings we drank before during and after. We were at the local beach pub in the summer always. On holidays it was a party. We’d have great drunk sex. As so many stories go the party always gets old, and then we started not having fun while drinking, arguing more and more. We would go to bed angry, not having sex, we didn’t have friends around, who wants to listen to people fight when drinking, we were isolating and drinking and just really being an unmotivated, overpromising drunk couple. The fun at the end was limited, 95% of most nights did not end up as fun.
For the past few years the first year in damage control mode (IE trying to moderate) and then the past year in trying sobriety one of the reasons I would end up drinking is because we weren’t getting along and we didn’t communicate so I would drink to try and have fun with him and some nights it was ok, but read the last sentence up above again, the nights did not end up as fun. Definition of insanity: doing the same things over and over again, hoping for a different result. Was my life.
He’s right I don’t participate in his fun. My fun and his fun are now completely different. My fun is yoga, scrapbooking, playing tourist, going for coffees, having meaningful conversations, volunteering, doing random acts of kindness, dancing in the kitchen, taking goofy selfies, working out, going for coffee, visiting friends, biking, hiking, travelling, doing puzzles, cooking, my cats, going to the beach, doing events that are on in my City. He’s still is doing what we did when we met, basing everything around a cocktail.
Now in the old days pre 6 months ago, I would drink to get us back to “normal” Today I yelled “your right I’m not doing your fun things”. It felt good to say that I want him to know I’m serious about my new life. I love my fun life love it.
The argument I am lonely in this journey, but it’s my journey and I’m not willing to give up on my marriage, yet. His drinking has cut down, but his mindset has not changed and like all change it’s scary. I was ready he is not. I have to remember daily we can only change ourselves not someone else.
We have since talked and I literally told him what I have written here, and he agrees we need to find things to do together, that don’t involve drinking or scrapbooking.
What do you and your spouse do together?
Another Sober Sunday