Hosting Birthday Party Sober, Reality

Hosting Sober Birthday Dinner here’s the reality:

Well let’s just say this, If you didn’t read my blog How to host a dinner party sober yesterday, I’ll give you a recap. It was my husbands birthday, and he chose instead of us going out for a nice dinner a Football watching dinner with his buddy. With Appies, great steaks and seafood, and of course booze, so I wrote a post that included a list of How to host a party sober with 8 great tips here . 

Now the tips were great and I followed all of my own advice and yes stayed sober, but here’s the reality.

  • Dinner was to be at 7pm, the game started around 5pm. So his friend got here around 430 and the booze started flowing by 6pm they were flying high. I came downstairs I had been kicked out for trying to talk this is where my husbands nasty remarks set in (you see the difference between my drinking and his I loved being happy so I just wanted to be happier, I was a fun loud obnoxious drunk, he’s a very unhappy one where his hatred for the world comes out) ,
  • 630ish which was half time and I suggested he put on the steaks and I would start on the seafood, but nooooo they weren’t hungry. Of course not, they were drinking you see how do I know this because this used to be me (insert cringe) I remember this selfishness display “just one more drink” I would tell my son ugh.
  • 7pm rolls around and we have a shit ton of food, so I decided not to serve appies (thinking a late night snack might be better and my husband and I had a snack around 4pm) we had a serious amounts of seafood that are rich and big steaks and I didn’t want it to go to waste. My husband gets angry they are watching the game and fine, my son leaves he decides he’s not sticking around for this shit show and goes for dinner with his friends.
  • I’m miserably hangry by 745 ish, and the guys then say they want to watch the rest of the game, which they figure should be over by 815 ish, well I decide to put my steak and my sons away, as it had been resting on the counter as I don’t like eating a huge steak at 830 at night, tell my husband this I’ll just have seafood. I go back upstairs.
  • I come down around 9pm and my husband is seriously angry and decided not to tell me they cooked their steaks and ate the seafood. In his drunken stupor he didn’t hear me say I will just eat some seafood, so I ended up with a bowl of leftover soup from Friday night, a husband that just got nasty and me trying to be nice. So the reality check should have been for this party just order in chinese or pizza or thai at 6pm.

I slept in the spare bed away from the noise and about 1030 the stench of cigars fills the house again, cringe, I know when I would drink too much and it was cold out at times I would start smoking in the house and the shame I have today for putting my son through this, he was little when I would do this, and the house would reek of cigarettes. He hated the smell. The anguish that last night brought me, was not for my husband the ruined birthday or his behaviour. The anguish today is my own selfish awful ways when I was drinking and my son was younger. The heartbreak I am feeling and the apology I owe my son when he gets home today, this weighs heavily on me and my behaviour makes me physically nauseous.

If you are a mom or dad out there, it’s never too late start today, quit drinking even if you just try. If I could have a do over with my child’s childhood, I would have been a much more present parent. I have a FREE DRY JANUARY group if you are at all looking to try.

There are two things that came out of this, a) hosting a party when you are sober it may not go the way as you planned, b) completely unrelated things could come up.

xoxox Christina

Do all relationships fail when one person gets sober and the other does not?

I have been studying this a lot, do all relationships fail when one person gets sober and the other does not.   There has been a dramatic shift in my marriage!  When we started dating  about 8 years ago, drinking and eating was how our life revolved, dinner & drinks, brunch & drinks,  biking then to the pub for eats & drinks, going to the beach for food & drinks, going out to a concert & drinks, hanging with friends.  Well you know how that old saying goes you get into a relationship and you get fat, well guess what miss skinny mini here at the age of 39 started to pile on pounds 30 or 40 of them.  So I changed our eating habits to eating clean & there was backlash from my now husband, I was extreme with how much I ate, what we ate etc.  I started to cook at home no more eating out.  My partner was not happy, I actually gave up drinking at that time too ( too hard to get up in the morning and go to the gym when hungover and oh the calories) but I wasn’t trying for sobriety I was not drinking because of calories then I when I would drink I’d drink vodka & soda with lemon (I don’t even like it)

Fast forward 5 years and I start to look at my sobriety I have found balance with my food not extremism, but when I eat a hamburger with bun and fries it was going to be a damn good one.  My weight yoyo’ed  last year because I was drinking so heavily and feeling like shit, we didn’t go out as much our friends dwindled, we were heavily drinking together.  Long gone were the days of drinking and having great sex.  Now we usually ended up in screaming really dumb arguments. You know the ones, (One night I decided I  wanted to go to Haiti (the next day)  and help the earthquake victims and ended up throwing a wine glass across the yard because he was yelling how stupid that was ) when I say dumb fights I mean dumb arguments and just horrible.

Fast forward to last November 2016 when I decided to give up drinking because I knew our marriage was not going to make it, I felt like shit, looked like shit and was so overwhelmed I couldn’t take my lifestyle anymore.  He did not quit drinking even though he promised too. He told me repeatedly how I didn’t have a drinking problem, how he preferred me drinking (of course as now he was drinking alone)

I caved around January 25-27th don’t remember the exact date, we were sitting in the Caribbean having just gone for a long bike ride I ordered a beer and a cigarette.  I continued drinking for the rest of my holiday.  I thought I’ll just go back to not drinking when I get home, I got home and within 2 days was drinking with him.  And was so bored of it sitting in our house like 2 drunks most times arguing sometimes even arguing about sitting like 2 dumb drunks.  I tried to get sober again and again and again, this past year has been full of day ones and restarting.   The funny thing is once you start looking at sobriety, it tickles your mind.  I always felt guilty when hungover, and shameful, feeling like a failure and immense anger like why couldn’t I drink like a normal person or get sobriety.  Well I know the answer because nothing had changed, I hadn’t changed, In the summer I was still sitting on the back patio with him, and some friends kicking back the drinks (it is progressive.)  So I started to put in changes, seeking out groups, seeking out online recovery, dipping my toes into change.

Now after 4 months of sobriety as of tomorrow,  I have changed.  I have sober friends, I have a hobby of photography and scrapbooking, I do things (today I made a list of Christmas events going on in my city), I try new things, I have joined IRL sober groups,  I am working on a business, I am going to do my Yoga Teacher Training in January (that made me lose my breath admitting this out loud to the world), I go to the gym, I go to spin class, I go to Yoga, I meditate, my day is organized and I have purpose and when I don’t I rearrange my day and refocus.

He and I do nothing together he’s still sitting on the couch drinking, I invite him to things but he doesn’t want to do anything he’s too tired.  So unless it involves drinking he has no interest.

Where does that leave our marriage, I am in several sober online groups and have new sober IRL friends and none of their marriages are working out.

New marriages are working out, people that date normie’s (normal drinkers) or meet people that don’t drink or are sober too.  Also marriages that both got sober, but existing marriages where you drank together, not when one drinks already like a normie and the other is the raging drunk are all around me sinking like the Titanic.

At this stage I’m very unsure, my marriage is on very shaky ground it has been for a while.  Now there’s even a bigger divide, our common thread is gone.  I have changed, I wanted to change I needed to change and I’m on a journey of change.

Do existing marriages workout?  I’d love to hear your experiences!

Cheers a round of water for all!

Christina