Alcohol in the house when you are sober

On Friday night I hosted a dinner party for business associates of my husband that I did not know, but knew they weren’t big drinkers (one of them is going through chemo). So I wasn’t super worried about it. I have alcohol in my house my husband still drinks. The other factor is I have not isolated myself, ie stopped going places that serves alcohol. I know people that won’t even go into the Starbucks that serves beer. Please also remember at the beginning of my sobriety, I was very careful where I would go (IE I would not sit on a patio on a hot summers day with everyone around me drinking a chardonnay) but at this stage of my journey I know could could care less about booze.

The two things I have not had in my house and won’t have in my house since I got sober is wine and this drink called Hey Y’all. Both were my drink of choice.

So as many of you know when hosting a dinner party, it’s not just the dinner prep, its the tidying of the house, putting away the crap on the front hallway table that’s accumulated (running gear mainly) dusting the built in shelves in the living room that the couch doesn’t face and honestly I’m not sure when I last dusted them, cleaning the main bathroom, cleaning up the plant that Billy (my cat) knocked over in the process while I was cleaning, all the little things that go with prepping a dinner party. By the time dinner was well underway, I was tired and quite hungry.

I had not been there to greet our guests, I headed back into the kitchen though to serve dinner, and low and behold one of our guests had brought me a bottle of wine and it was just sitting on the counter just sitting on the counter like so many times before. Unopened, just sitting staring at me. A cold shiver ran down the back of my neck. I served dinner.

Now I’ve been around wine, people drinking it doesn’t bother me, just NOT in my house.

My husband and I rarely talk about my not drinking or my reasons what led up to me not wanting to drink, when I told him I need to quit drinking his first reaction was you need to quit smoking you don’t have a drinking problem.

When we went to clean up after the guests left (omg dinner party are the best when people are not getting shit faced, cleaning up at 930pm) I looked at my husband and looked at the bottle and I said this gives me shivers. He’s like why not take it to our tenants downstairs, then I said something else, and he said it’s still early take it down NOW. I put my flip flops on and zipped downstairs and handed a nice bottle of wine to the couple, who were thrilled.

Moral of this story, you can be strong in your sobriety, you can keep alcohol in your house, you can go out with friends who drink. DO NOT keep your drink or drug of choice (nicotine is my drug of choice) in your house. Why tempt fate.

The changes I have incurred

I am sitting here fuming I’m hungry, it’s 7pm and we haven’t eaten dinner (that’s another story)  and I thought about the changes that have occurred in the last 6 months since I’ve stopped drinking.

  1. I HAVE NO HANGOVER such an amazing feeling
  2. I eat dinner earlier, I never used to get dinner on the table sometimes until 8pm when I was drinking, and even then we sometimes would have to order in or I’d be serving munchies to tide us over. (So much mom guilt about this, from when my son was younger)
  3.  Drinking caused me not to eat, consciously sometimes as I would save my calories for drinking, now I live in a calorie deficit and I occasionally eat dessert and have ZERO guilt about it.
  4. My social media is exactly where I left it the night before, no checking texts or facebook to see what I have said or who I talked to (ugh)
  5. There are no grandiose plans being made.  I came across an email today I had about a fitness challenge that I wrote to a lady saying my husband would get on board.  Drunken plans
  6. I don’t smoke ugh I’d kill off a pack of cigarettes in a night.
  7. I married a man that we have nothing in common other than we drank together and made grandiose plans.
  8. I get up and workout, I meditate, I take care of my health.
  9. I do what I say I’m going to do and if I break my commitment it’s not because I have a hangover.
  10. I say no thank you. I don’t justify it. I don’t say yes then lie my way out of it later.
  11. I am productive.
  12. Ive made quality friends
  13. I feel a lot of feelings, today I started to cry because of the state of the world. Water running out in S. Africa, a baby raped in India, housing no longer affordable in my city, our insurance corporations fraud both internally and externally. I just cried.

And one of the most significant changes is making myself a priority, my mindset I am grateful, I always try to see the bright side of life, and I am present.  I don’t say sobriety is a gift because I work every day for it. Those are the few of my changes that have happened consciously or unconsciously through the months.

 

Here’s to another Sober Day.

Christina

 

I’m No Fun Anymore

Today my husband and I had a huge argument and true to all arguments we have, it derailed from the actual issue.  I told him he is doesn’t do anything (as in go out and enjoy life, not as in work, he is a very hard worker) he told me “how can he go do anything with me when I’m no fun anymore”.

Wow that broke me and made me more furious LOL yes I am allowed to be angry, I give myself permission to feel all feelings.   Back story, he was my drinking partner, as almost all my exes had been.  We met through a mutual friend and we re-met in a liquor store.  We went to pubs on every date we did, we took beer and wine on bike trips, we went to concerts in the park and drank wine, art openings we drank before during and after.  We were at the local beach pub in the summer always.  On holidays it was a party.  We’d have great drunk sex.   As so many stories go the party always gets old, and then we started not having fun while drinking, arguing more and more. We would go to bed angry, not having sex, we didn’t have friends around, who wants to listen to people fight when drinking, we were  isolating and drinking  and just really being an unmotivated, overpromising drunk couple. The fun at the end was limited, 95% of most nights did not end up as fun.

For the past few years the first year in damage control mode (IE trying to moderate) and then the past year in trying sobriety one of the reasons I would end up drinking is because we weren’t getting along and we didn’t communicate so I would drink to try and have fun with him and some nights it was ok, but read the last sentence up above again, the nights did not end  up as fun. Definition of insanity: doing the same things over and over again, hoping for a different result.  Was my life.

He’s right I don’t participate in his fun.  My fun and his fun are now completely different.  My fun is yoga, scrapbooking, playing tourist, going for coffees, having meaningful conversations, volunteering, doing random acts of kindness, dancing in the kitchen, taking goofy selfies, working out, going for coffee, visiting friends,  biking, hiking, travelling, doing puzzles, cooking, my cats, going to the beach, doing events that are on in my City.  He’s still is doing what we did when we met, basing everything around a cocktail.

Now in the old days pre 6 months ago, I would drink to get us back to “normal” Today I yelled “your right I’m not doing your fun things”. It felt good to say that I want him to know I’m serious about my new life.  I love my fun life love it.

The argument I am lonely in this journey, but it’s my journey and I’m not willing to give up on my marriage, yet.  His drinking has cut down, but his mindset has not changed and like all change it’s scary.  I was ready he is not. I have to remember daily we can only change ourselves not someone else.

We have since talked and I literally told him what I have written here, and he agrees we need to find things to do together, that don’t involve drinking or scrapbooking.

What do you and your spouse do together?

Another Sober Sunday

Christina