Ashamed of NOT Drinking

When I began looking at my relationship with alcohol, I stopped and started many times. In my mind I was failing at quitting. Then days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months. I was super proud of myself. Though deciding on my own to quit, there was no intervention, there was no public announcement, there was “no I quit” I didn’t tell a soul in fear of failure. I would just politely decline alcohol. People were starting to notice.

SHAME IN NOT BEING ABLE TO DRINK

In fact I never even opened up to my own family. I was ashamed I couldn’t handle my alcohol, I couldn’t handle what millions of people around the world deem as normal. I felt like shit. Being that it was Mothers Day yesterday, I was thinking back to a year ago. I was about 9 months sober and my son and his girlfriend took me out for dinner. They were drinking these fabulous belini’s and my son handed it to me and said try a sip and I faked trying a sip as I didn’t want to tell him.

My entire life I’ve felt like I was less than, not drinking was feeling once again that I was less than.

Fast forward a few more months, after that Mothers Day Dinner in 2018 and I changed my mindset, to I am more than, not less than. I am doing what millions & millions of people deem not normal, how amazing is that! I lived in that truth. Now everyone knows.

Back to Shame

Almost two years into not drinking, I am back to shame. For some reason these past few months I have , not really wanting to talk about not drinking, maybe because it’s part of my lifestyle now, or maybe because there is something that needs to be healed. I’m not too sure.

Has anyone else gone through this? Please Comment, looking for suggestions, advice… anything

xoxox Christina

Shrinking Your But

I had always loved to party. It made me feel powerful, It made me feel sexy, It made me feel like I belonged. Until it didn’t.

I am not going to sugar coat this post, I’m super direct, and that’s my coaching style with both fitness and sobriety. You have to shrink your but. Not your butt, your but. So many people come to me and say I am ready to quit drinking… but. Your buts can be endless

a) I’m going on vacation

b) I’m super stressed (work, relationships, motherhood)

c) It’s Christmas

d) my best friend is getting married

e) there’s a work thing

f) It’s the weekend

g) I need to keep hanging onto my boyfriend

h) it’s summer

i) it’s Christmas

j) it’s my birthday soon

k) I’m graduating

l) I have a family reunion

m) I’m so busy

n) I am part of a wine club

o) my spouse drinks

p) all my friends drink

q) no one knows I have a problem

r) what will everyone say

s) I have anxiety

t) I have depression

u) I’m getting married

v) I can try moderating again

w) I need to let loose & have fun

x) I don’t want to go to AA

y) I have social anxiety

z) but what if I fail

You know what I say to all of this, it’s excuses and every single one of these is or might happen and its called LIFE, whether you drink or not. BUT you are also on the right track, why because you are looking at your relationship with alcohol.

You see for years I didn’t really have a problem I could control it, when the partying got out of control I would scale it back.

This went well, until my late 30’s and all of a sudden I realized my drinking got out of control and I tried to reign it and I couldn’t, no matter what I did. I knew I needed to quit but my buts were too big. I had an excuse for everything. Every one of those 26 excuses up there is my but not to quit drinking. Which meant I had to go through some more pain, a lot more pain until I decided my Why to quit was bigger, than my but.

I shrank my but, and finally got sober!

RELAPSE HAPPENS BEFORE YOU DRINK

Relapse happens before you drink. I love this saying I found a journal, of mine when I was first was trying to work on quitting drinking. When I was taught this saying I went back to my journal to take a look at what was going on, before I drank. And every damn time I recognized that I relapsed before I drank.

In the journal, there was a lot of hurt, a lot of anger, anger towards my husband, towards myself, feeling very left out, hating my life. Then there were the injustices, of the world that I could not change, people starving, my city I live in changing for the worse. I seemed to take it all on. It left me wanting to numb out, of course it did and of course I did. Looking back it makes perfect sense when you have anger and feeling not good enough, hatred it’s a perfect storm for drinking.

I can look back now and see the events leading up to my drinking, I also can see it in other people, a lot of time its anger/resentment/hatred that people are struggling with, because that’s what I struggled with. I watched a friend of mine relapse not long ago, and when I say watched, I mean I saw her going down the rabbit hole, she was angry at her life. I talked to her, she fluffed it off, she couldn’t see it until after. She was really lucky this time, she drank for about 3 days and got back to sobriety. I was never that lucky.

Relapse happens long before the first drink, this past month I found myself on shaky ground, but this time instead of in a journal and looking back I recognized it, anger at the world, at the manufacturing for the plastics we use, once again for my city doing nothing to fix our problems, and I was like no no no. I decided to use this anger this time for good, for speaking out for not hiding, for making my voice known, calling the city, calling out the government, by deciding to honour the anger. We are allowed to stand up for what we believe in. We do not have to be silent, we are allowed to be angry. We just can’t drink over it.

Remember relapse can happen at anytime, you just have to be aware of it, I have found some significant signs in my recovery: Anger is a huge one. So if you are angry honor it, meditate and use that anger to fuel change. Just don’t drink over it.