At 10 weeks sober there is very little pure child like joy in my Recovery. I’ve had some amazing experiences at 8 weeks I gifted myself a Float (so spiritual) I have had epic exercise classes that have released huge amount of endorphins, I have experience nature like never before I have connected with a great amount of other sober humans, I have smiled and giggled. But this on Sunday I bought a ticket it wasn’t even a reward for reaching 10 weeks to Goat Yoga and wasn’t expecting much from it other than a fun way to end my weekend.
It was at 9am on a farm that is actually fairly central to the City. On an October day so much could go wrong (rain and it get cancelled) accident on the bridge if you have ever lived in Vancouver or have been to Vancouver you know our bridges can be a nightmare. But I woke up to a beautiful October cold crisp morning. Then my text came in the woman I was going with has bailed ( I was pissed as I didn’t know if she was sick or hungover whatever not my issue) I decided hell I’m going on my own the tickets were on the pricier side of yoga.
I get to the Farm ( no traffic it was easy peasy driving) . Then I am in the parking lot and paralyzed by fear, everyone is in groups of friends or couples attending. I am by myself the anxiety level in my stomach is high. I literally forced one foot in front of the other. Standing alone I look over and there is a woman who I connected with last July and we hugged and hugged we have text but haven’t seen each other since summer. 845AM on a Sunday I was happy. Then we moved into the area.
The young goats came bounding in. Happy happy happy bounding, jumping up and down, skipping (little goats literally skip), not one person could contain themselves everyone wanted to pet touch love and be around them, the smiling was infectious. The yoga started it should have been called laughing yoga, we laughed, they played, we kind of yoga’d we laughed and laughed, they played, we petted and laughed at their antics. What an incredible hour, I have not experienced such deep Joy in my Recovery.
Animals are so therapeutic and I cannot describe even one iota how this day shifted me but it did. If you haven’t tried it and you love baby animals I can’t urge you enough to do it. For me it was Pure Love & Joy on a Cold Crisp Fall Day.
Well like most addicts I have been looking at my drinking for just under a year and I have tried to stop drinking here and there. I have just come upon my one month mark of sobriety (again) and one of the things that leads me back to drinking is extreme boredom. I’m so bored I don’t even want to leave the house that’s how bored I am.
What do sober people who don’t know many other sober people do on a Summery Saturday Long weekend night?
I have watched more netflix in the last month than I care to remember
I exercise daily (in the morning) today I ran.
I have raked all the leaves in the yard today, and tidied up.
I have played with my cats.
I’M BORED… well his is a fact of early sobriety I’m learning. Most people I have researched that have long term sobriety are bored in early recovery and say you just need to get through/over it. You will be bored, you may or may not have recovery friends. Netflix may be your best friend.
I drank to be social I drank to be in a heightened state of happy, I drank to relieve mundane evenings when we had nothing to do, I drank so I could have people in and throw massive gourmet pizza parties. I drank to be social.
I’d be bored with a hangover, but that was a different kind of bored it was a pressure bored like I had shit to do but I was numbing out with Netflix. Now I get stuff done and I’m bored. More on this as my sobriety progresses.
I wrote a whole blog post on my marriage and how awful it is, I still have husband that is drinking. It’s not pretty. I will not post it yet, I can’t it’s too painful, I am too alone to let it out to the world. What I am focussing on today the first Sunny Summery Saturday is myself instead of the anger, pain, resentmentI feel for my marriage. I started today at about 5:30AM with a Breath of Fire Meditation then out for a beautiful run, on a gorgeous morning and treated myself to a latte felt good to be outside, felt good to have the sun on my face. My husband then text to apologize for last night which just in turn made me upset again which with me turns to anger. I am unsure why when I’m hurt I get angry but I do I always have. Then the anger turns to resentment . Today I’m trying to turn my anger to self care so resentments don’t build up it’s not easy but I am trying and that’s sometimes all one can do is try. So I eat lunch I sit in the sun, I write, I work I breathe. Breathe again, look around at the flowers, turn some music on (I’m listening to Malibu by Miley Cyrus ) I find peace, I breathe again. I decide to book in a meditation group tonight and possibly a yoga, I need people tonight. Being very aware of this is my day today. It’s a beautiful day to be sober. I designed this day, not everything is great but it’s a lot better than being hungover!
Fridays used to be my favorite day, my Facebook posts were all about Fridays, Fridays represented to me to drink and party (don’t get me wrong I did it during the week too). Though it was my day that I didn’t have to worry about showing up to work hungover, and pretend I was working, but really just coping. I had no patience to work and my temper was noticeable, I really hated people & their problems ugh. I look back and think how irresponsible this was, not to just my customers but to my coworkers, and employers and myself, oh and the shit show getting out the door, so irresponsible also to my son.
Today Friday is just another day. Saturday Mornings when I wake up it doesn’t matter what the weather is, it’s sunny in my world on Saturdays. For so many years I could barely get up on Saturdays, if I saw Saturday mornings it was a miracle and probably only because I had been drinking on Thursday so I didn’t drink on Friday because I was too hungover. This Saturday I will work at my business, I will run on Saturday Morning , I’ll do a Facebook Live on health and wellness. I am in Hip Sobriety School and there is a 7:00AM coaching call like holy hell I will make that on Saturday Morning.
Friday has become a day for me to celebrate Saturday Mornings hangover free, and alert and generally happy.
How do you celebrate Saturday Mornings?
I thought about this today, I hate life after I’ve been drinking. Not during not before but after, someone said the other day they hated drinking oh no, I don’t hate drinking not at all.
I hate after. After, to me is long before the hangover, after is; When the fight starts with your spouse, or friend, or the bouncer in a pub. Or you make out or go home with some random guy, or you hook up with your ex (ugh the worst). You cheat on your spouse, or you fall down in public, or decide it’s ok to walk home at 3am by yourself. Or you do dumbest thing on earth & drive, or decide to use drugs that you never would think of using when sober, or you throw up in public. It’s when you drunk text, Facebook things that are so inappropriate or plain mean or rude.
I hate life after I’ve been drinking, the stupidity levels and not caring that it allowed me to do was still indescribable to even me. Sometimes I don’t even think I would believe my own story if I was the listener. It’s so surreal. What I do try and remember are those things above, all of which I have done and worse. That’s my “why”.
All I know is we do recover and I don’t hate drinking because not everyone who drinks has these experience , I hate life after I’ve been drinking. So I don’t drink.
When that itch is overwhelming you know what I’m talking about, the time right after work, when you just want the day to be over, but maybe you’ve strung a few days together like I used to. I was never an every day, drinker but Thursday would roll around and I’d want alcohol. Or I stayed sober on the weekend due to being with family or school events or those normal drinkers so I’d want to unwind. Well good news is they do diminish the cravings over time but you need to get in the time, now how in the fuck do we do that with the devil yelling in your ear “drink you deserve it”;
Here’s some ideas that I use to combat cravings (I detest the word “sober tools”, that seems to be floating around)
If you have any other suggestions please comment, I’m so happy to have others help others & find new ideas!!
I had someone ask me what the fuck do I do now without having a glass of wine in the evenings (well if I had ONE glass of wine in the evenings that would have been ok it’s the bottle or 2 bottles and the 6 hey yall’s I had a problem with) . Quite frankly I have no idea how I found the time to drink and quite frankly am ashamed/disgusted at how much time I wasted on the hangovers.
So if anyone is looking for stuff do:
Go to a concert, yep drunk concerts are a waste of money
Go to watch a game (hockey, basketball/baseball whatever your jam is)
I learned to cook healthy amazing meals (I even learned to make homemade hamburger buns)
Learn to cook foreign foods
Go explore your town/city
I love scrapbooking (take up a craft) lots of people knit/decoupage/woodwork/
Read yes remember reading like novels you can just get lost in a great spy book/ romance story. READ.
Participate in online groups
Go to the gym
Take up running/yoga/basketball/badminton/golf
Explore your own city
Start getting your house organized
Clean your house, give away things you don’t need
Redecorate/ Paint spruce up your home, it will make you feel better
Hunt the flea markets, vintage stores or I like movie set sales
Create a business
Volunteer – this is a big one for me, give back
Renew your passion for your job
Take a class (can be scholastic or for fun)
Try something you’ve always wanted to do
See a play, support your local theatre, try out for the theaterWatch TV/Netflix/Movies
Get your finances in order
Create a Meet-up Group
MAKE YOUR BED EVERY DAY.
I seriously do not know how I found the time to waste on using/hangovers and then sourcing food to feed the hangover.
Please comment if you can add to this list!!!
I have been reading books about other peoples stories & how they got sober and they all seem to have one thing in common … “oh I felt like shit, saw the light prayed for a solution and got sober”. WOW that is not how my road to sobriety looked like at all. I have prayed, went to counselling, went to AA, cut off people, been willing and still ended up back at that bottle of wine.
In recovery it’s all about choices but there is a drive so deep that leads us addicts back to the bottle or drug of choice, what is that itch, any addict knows it. I call it an itch because that’s what mine is, its like a tingling in the back of my neck. That itch says a glass of wine won’t hurt, one cigarette will feel so good with that wine and then, the line to sober up is probably a good idea and all of a sudden it’s the next day. I would vow once again, while feeling like absolute crap, I will never drink again, and I meant it at the time. Then that itch would return in a week and I would need to scratch it.
People spoke to me about my drinking when I was in my early 20’s in my late 20’s and into my 30’s. I was not an every day drinker, but when I drank I was destructive to my life. I had no spirituality, though I wanted to and I made very very bad choices. I would get sober for 3-6 months and then boom back where I started. My road to recovery was not a straight path at all.
I have seen people with 1, 3 & even 12 years sober, drink again. I have seen good upstanding citizens go back and scratch that itch. No addict is beyond that. We all only live one day at a time. I don’t count my days (I didn’t count them drinking) I say thank you for my sobriety today, I have a sadhana practise that is part of every morning routine and today I live One Day at a Time and work on my sobriety.
If anyone is reading this and your path is not all glowy and rosy and a straight line, there are lots of us out there who didn’t get sober the 1st, 2nd, or 100th attempt.
Know you are not a failure and you are not alone.
Just never give up, giving up. EVER.
Sundays to me represent the start of the week, I’ve made it sober through another weekend (hell yes) , I am meal planning and I start my day with meditation and yoga, and a cappucino. Sunday is my luxury day and all about me.
BUT……since I’ve become sober I am also usually beyond angry on Sunday morning, my husband is an active drinker he’s been up 2 or 3 times in the night to pee and woken up the house, last weekend he was obnoxiously loud drunk falling down asshole and I slept in the guest room (of course he promised to change – he hasn’t) When I was drinking that’s when the nasty arguing would ensue. I am glad he is out of the house working most Sundays it allows me to process my anger and sit with it and work through it. As most Sundays I cannot stand him. I know I’m not the only one who deals with this. It’s hard to admit that you can’t stand your spouse sometimes. Marriage is tough.
Here’s how I deal with my over drinking spouse.
This is literally what I do. I have just finished my yoga and meditation and am watching 27 dresses!
Have you ever noticed when the sun comes out and the itch to drink is there?
The nagging promise of the sun drenched patio’s filled with happy people drinking in the sun, bbq’s and everyone is having a fantastic drinking time, the promise of fun in the sun.
That itch is real. What isn’t real is that promise of fun and what we don’t remember or what tv/movies don’t portray is that shit show behind what actually happens to a lot of people.
Waking up with a massive hangover as you are so dehydrated from being drinking and in the sun, bank account is depleted, no idea how you got home, how 1 drink turned into 30, the neighbours are pissed off with you because of the the fight with your friend/spouse that happened, the snapchat stories that are now floating around of you being a drunk fool. The list goes on
This is the problem with the promise of fun in the sun, remember don’t romanticize it. The itch maybe real but so is the shit show. Lest we forget.
I spent over 2 weeks on holidays and we went to meet up with some friends who live in Panama Central America, I hadn’t seen them for 2 years. This was my first sober vacation and my god it was like I had a communicable disease. First was my very good girlfriend when I arrived at her house and didn’t have a glass of wine, she never spoke to me again while I was there. Her husband then told mine he couldn’t live with someone who didn’t drink (funny though I know they have had heated “discussions” on her at least one bottle of wine a night habit) Then there was the conversation from a friend (who doesn’t drink more than one glass of anything ever) and we were all out for dinner and she looks at me in front of a table of 12 of our friends that it sucks to be the sober one. My husband asked me the entire time we were in Panama to drink and told me I was more fun on vacation when I drank (he seems to have forgotten all the shit shows that incurred when we were drinking together). Were my feelings hurt in these situations HELL YES.
So what did I do: