Relapse happens before you drink. I love this saying I found a journal, of mine when I was first was trying to work on quitting drinking. When I was taught this saying I went back to my journal to take a look at what was going on, before I drank. And every damn time I recognized that I relapsed before I drank.

In the journal, there was a lot of hurt, a lot of anger, anger towards my husband, towards myself, feeling very left out, hating my life. Then there were the injustices, of the world that I could not change, people starving, my city I live in changing for the worse. I seemed to take it all on. It left me wanting to numb out, of course it did and of course I did. Looking back it makes perfect sense when you have anger and feeling not good enough, hatred it’s a perfect storm for drinking.

I can look back now and see the events leading up to my drinking, I also can see it in other people, a lot of time its anger/resentment/hatred that people are struggling with, because that’s what I struggled with. I watched a friend of mine relapse not long ago, and when I say watched, I mean I saw her going down the rabbit hole, she was angry at her life. I talked to her, she fluffed it off, she couldn’t see it until after. She was really lucky this time, she drank for about 3 days and got back to sobriety. I was never that lucky.

Relapse happens long before the first drink, this past month I found myself on shaky ground, but this time instead of in a journal and looking back I recognized it, anger at the world, at the manufacturing for the plastics we use, once again for my city doing nothing to fix our problems, and I was like no no no. I decided to use this anger this time for good, for speaking out for not hiding, for making my voice known, calling the city, calling out the government, by deciding to honour the anger. We are allowed to stand up for what we believe in. We do not have to be silent, we are allowed to be angry. We just can’t drink over it.

Remember relapse can happen at anytime, you just have to be aware of it, I have found some significant signs in my recovery: Anger is a huge one. So if you are angry honor it, meditate and use that anger to fuel change. Just don’t drink over it.

Mocktails are not all innocent

Mocktails are not all innocent

A recovery coach told me when I got sober, to go through the same ritual with mocktails, that I did with my cocktails, make a fancy drink they said, put it in a fancy glass enjoy. So on a hot May evening in 2017 that’s what I did, following the exact same habit looking up a recipe, making the mocktail, adding it to a fancy glass, with a lemon wedge, then sitting on the patio and then pretending. I might as well have just added the vodka to this pretty drink right then and there. I drank the next night. I have never made a mocktail at home again.

I never liked the idea of making mocktails at home, typically I drink water in general, before I got sober, I gave up pop years ago (was never a big drinker of it anyways) sometimes I’ll have fresh OJ with brunch, and of course Grape Gatorade when I was hungover (funny thing is I haven’t had a Gatorade since I got sober). But in general I drink 1 cup of coffee in the morning, and water. So the mocktail to me is like calling a tofu steak a real beef steak, it was not the real deal and when your in the mood for a beef steak and you get served tofu, it doesn’t cut it, in fact it made me crave alcohol more than ever.

I do order mocktails out sometimes, at work events or on Valentines Day and the Occasional Special dinner out but honestly 90% of them have been ok 10% have been amazing the one I paid $9.00 for, I felt ripped off.

The other problem I find with mocktails is they tend to be high in sugar drinks. Which in turn I crave more sugar.

I have tried other drinks like la croix and honestly it was just carbonated water, which I am not a fan of carbonated drinks. I don’t like feeling bloated and their coconut flavour tasted like Malibu to me. So another trigger.

So in the end I decided I’ll just stick with my water & coffee and my afternoon tea because mocktails are not all innocent to me.

Have you ever found mocktails triggering or do they satisfy the craving for a drink for you? Tell me in the comments I’m super interested.

xoxoxo Christina

Confession Time: I’ve Been Skipping Lunch

I know right what type of a confession is that, yes you can groan or insert eye roll. No not because i’m a fitness coach, and I tell everyone to eat proper meals but because of my sobriety, skipping meals is a big no no.

The importance of eating well & often became very profound when I got sober. You see I would skip meals like breakfast, & lunch maybe have a small snack and reach for the wine, in my drinking days it was a habit.

So the last few days, I’ve been bitchy AF, around 4pm, reaching for snacks that I wouldn’t normally eat, and really thinking about wine.

This is a warning sign, and a trigger, which being well enough into sobriety I know that I need to change up my habit of skipping lunch & get back into my healthy habits. It’s so easy for some reason for healthy habits to go off track.

So one of my approaches to healthy eating is protein, at every meal as protein helps keeps you full longer, and helps satiate the need to snack.

One of my tricks for eating lunch is making enough dinner the night before, so I cooked an extra chicken breast last night and cut up a salad, while I was prepping dinner so all I have to do is throw together today.

Salads are easy and nutritious but need to be flavorful, there’s no sense just trying to choke down lettuce make it tasty jazz up that salad: Chicken, hard boiled eggs, seeds, dried cranberries, croutons, goat cheese, grate things into it like carrots, cucumbers and red onions for some reason grating things into a salad changes the texture.

If you really struggle with lunch just make extra dinner and eat leftovers for lunch.

Soup is another fantastic idea, and literally you can put it in a thermos for on the go.

Another one I love is a can of Tuna, bit of greek yogurt, with hot sauce dip into sweet potato crackers and a slice of cucumber on top.

Remember lunch doesn’t have to be complicated just a habit.

Eating healthy nutritious meals really is part of sobriety, for mental clarity, for your health and to keep the booze bitch away.

xoxo Christina