Thought of the day “Girl, you don’t have a drinking problem anymore!” You don’t crave it, obsess over it, you’ve gone well over a year without it so you are cured. I was in the grocery store the other day picking up a lime for my “Honey, Lime, Olive Oil Salad dressing I make and this is what ran through my head. Actually it was “oh you can make Margarita’s, then I thought no it’s winter”. Then I remembered the actual reason, no you don’t drink, you have a problem with alcohol. But my brain was saying no “girl you don’t have a drinking problem anymore” maybe you drinking too much was just a phase, because of your husband, or your ex boyfriend, or because you were drinking so regularly. LOL I laugh when I write this out-loud that was a very long painful phase about 20 years or so give or take some years in between. I’ve had these thoughts for a while here and there during my journey of getting sober I think it’s normal, it’s all in how you handle it..
I admit it sometimes I forget I have a drinking problem. I did it again today I just booked a girls trip to California, for March and thought yeah I can have cocktails OOOPs. That’s my brain saying “girl you don’t have a drinking problem anymore”
My drinking problem doesn’t rule my life anymore, at the beginning of my recovery it did, I focussed on my sobriety daily, getting sober, staying sober, making sure I didn’t fall, I was willing as fuck. Which is a good thing, I did the work, but it’s bad when I try and justify these thoughts today. So I decided to take a look back at a video that I took when I was hungover, it is my painful reminder of how bad my drinking was and how little self worth I had left. How I wanted off the earth so badly. How much I loathed myself and how I couldn’t quit, how bad I looked. This video I have two of them almost 8 months apart of my reality back then, and I’m not sure why I even took them but today It’s a shocking jolt to my brain almost like shock therapy, “girl you are not cured you do have a drinking issue.”
Does anyone else out there have a video or picture or a journal entry that does this?
Well let’s just say this, If you didn’t read my blog How to host a dinner party sober yesterday, I’ll give you a recap. It was my husbands birthday, and he chose instead of us going out for a nice dinner a Football watching dinner with his buddy. With Appies, great steaks and seafood, and of course booze, so I wrote a post that included a list of How to host a party sober with 8 great tips here .
Now the tips were great and I followed all of my own advice and yes stayed sober, but here’s the reality.
I slept in the spare bed away from the noise and about 1030 the stench of cigars fills the house again, cringe, I know when I would drink too much and it was cold out at times I would start smoking in the house and the shame I have today for putting my son through this, he was little when I would do this, and the house would reek of cigarettes. He hated the smell. The anguish that last night brought me, was not for my husband the ruined birthday or his behaviour. The anguish today is my own selfish awful ways when I was drinking and my son was younger. The heartbreak I am feeling and the apology I owe my son when he gets home today, this weighs heavily on me and my behaviour makes me physically nauseous.
If you are a mom or dad out there, it’s never too late start today, quit drinking even if you just try. If I could have a do over with my child’s childhood, I would have been a much more present parent. I have a FREE DRY JANUARY group if you are at all looking to try.
There are two things that came out of this, a) hosting a party when you are sober it may not go the way as you planned, b) completely unrelated things could come up.
I am the host tonight of a birthday dinner, sober Tonight is my husbands birthday, a few noticeable things, have come up he hasn’t a lot of friends (except 1 ) and that one friend is a great friend to him and he’s MR FUN. I believe you should have one great friend instead of a 25 acquaintances (which he does have) . He prefers to stay home instead of going out ( we are very different that way)
It’s his Birthday so he gets to choose what we do, and guess what, evidently there’s a football game on (insert groan here) that he insists trumps going out for dinner. He also gets to choose what we eat and drink (or what he drinks not me)
So today I started organizing more of a football party than a birthday party. Appies are 5 different high end cheeses and crackers (no potato chips here) so today I made a lovely platter. He chose surf and turf, NOT A VEGETABLE IN SIGHT so off to the butcher for good steaks, and seafood so off to the local seafood market for King Crab Legs, and Scallops I went, and of course he wanted Beer and Rum. And that’s where the BOUNDARIES had to come into place. I had a small inkling today for wine for some reason. In fact I’ve had a couple of triggers in the past few days, I’m tired my sleep has been very broken that’s part of the reason. I picked up a lime for my salad dressing the other night and thought oh I could make Margaritas – oops I don’t drink.
Here’s 8 TIPS TO HOSTING A SOBER PARTY
Don’t forget to enjoy the Dinner/Party/Birthday and going to bed sober, that’s what I’ll be doing tonight!
So I remember December being a magical time, Christmas Trees, Rum & Egg Nog, Wine Nights with friends, Dressing up and off to amazing Christmas Parties, Driving around looking at the amazing houses full of Christmas Lights, Holiday Decorating, Carolling by the piano, baking short bread cookies and everyone so happy, buying and wrapping presents, while the whole family gathered around by the tree on Christmas morning happy and glorious singing songs and joy all around.
Actually that was a freaking Hallmark movie. My life wasn’t like that I remember overeating all baked goods at the office, drinking wine like the Napa Valley was going to stop producing grapes, being stressed to the max running around buying presents, decorating the house by myself, having christmas tree decorating parties that ended at 3am, finishing decorating the gingerbread house by myself, going to Christmas Parties and Dinners that I didn’t want to go to and staying out way too late, running to soccer games on Saturday mornings foggy headed and freezing my ass off, then a couple of days before Christmas jumping on the ferry (ok waiting 7 hours in line) then driving through blizzards (either rain or snow) to get home to my parents for Christmas and driving back 4 days later after a stressful time with them. For years I remember waking up January 1st with a headache the size of Gibraltar swearing this was not going to be me again this coming December, but it happened year after year. I didn’t take care of me, I was so worried everything looked perfect for everyone else for Christmas, being in 5 spots at once, going to all the parties, going to all the kids events, I destroyed myself in Decembers.
Until last, in August of 2017 this was the year of huge changes in my life, I decided to finally stop drinking wine. So when December came around my self care routine was in full swing. In fact so much, that I could care less about Christmas and how it looked to everyone else. I wanted Christmas Season to be calm & kind I wanted to wake up on January 1st ready to jump into 2018. And I did just that. I said no to a lot of parties, I went to my parents for 2 days, not 4 (which I enjoyed), I didn’t overeat, I exercised, I chose one Christmas event to attend, I had the entire family help decorate the house and tree (not just me) and guess what I woke up on January 1st happy and ready to go. I had taken care of me. In fact I had a friend in from Australia, we went for a walk, came back to my house had breakfast with my husband. I finally woke up from the holidays feeling amazing. Not bloated, not hungover, not tired, not stressed. Who is this girl?
I look back now and think it’s someone who took care of herself in December.
When I first came out a month ago that I had a huge wine & cigarette habit and quit drinking and stopped smoking over a year ago the response was overwhelming and so was the curiosity from other women. Frightening statistic, women right now are drinking more than ever, to cope, to compete, to numb, to relax. It’s why I have created the #fitandsober challenge to go into December taking care of ourselves exercising ( making time for ourselves to feel better and cutting out alcohol) It’s 9 days to get your holiday glow on. You can join here. Click here to join the FIT AND SOBER CHALLENGE
I was discussing this with a Girlfriend the other day and how much time recovery can take up, I never thought about how much time (when I was drinking) it wasted, but all of a sudden I feel as if I need to get everything done IMMEDIATELY. The 24 hours in a day is not enough. I am unsure why I feel this way, but she does too. It seems to be a re-occurring theme with people I meet in early recovery.
Between getting to meetings, the meetings and after meetings, getting life back on track and finding new hobbies I’m busy. It amazes me to watch someone who still actively drinks on weekends and when I say actively I mean a lot (my husband) how he just sits. That used to be me, I would sit on Friday afternoon then sit on Saturday as I was hungover, or drink again, then sit again usually at brunch and Sunday afternoon drinking or being hung over. Chores did not get done, grocery shopping got delayed if I was hungover, I never went to Yoga or Spin Class or the gym, the only friends I saw were for more drinks never just a coffee and a visit. My circle of friends did not grow, really nothing happened other than sitting.
And now I seem to have no time, it’s funny how I never thought that way while drinking. I had so much time and yet really I had no time when I was drinking.
Here’s to another Sober Day.
I am sitting here fuming I’m hungry, it’s 7pm and we haven’t eaten dinner (that’s another story) and I thought about the changes that have occurred in the last 6 months since I’ve stopped drinking.
And one of the most significant changes is making myself a priority, my mindset I am grateful, I always try to see the bright side of life, and I am present. I don’t say sobriety is a gift because I work every day for it. Those are the few of my changes that have happened consciously or unconsciously through the months.
Here’s to another Sober Day.
So as I said in my previous post I had a fleeting thought if I was going to make it to 6 months. On my sober 1/2 a year eve, I thought meh maybe I’ll drink. Well I know enough to shut that shit down fast. Saturday rolled around it was there but a little sad there was no parade for me not drinking for 6 months nobody really cares, I didn’t cure cancer or reinvent a wheel.
By Monday I was breathing shallow, I was overwhelmed with my work, and my to do list, and my therapist had my water bottle and she was hammering me over coming to pick it up, ok (she text me once to say she left it with reception) but that was my reaction everything was urgent and frantic.
I run out to get it, and groceries on Monday and I ran into my therapist (also I am very grateful she had it, it’s a beautiful water bottle my sons girlfriend gave to me for Christmas) She says how are you. I said my anxiety is at a all time high I can’t breathe, she said and what are you doing for it, like seriously lady. I’m not doing anything I can’t breathe. She reminds me of my tools, write out my day, figure out what I need to get done, put the rest onto Tuesday and go to my Y12SR (Yoga and 12 Step Recovery Meeting) that night. I hug her and left water bottle in hand.
Barely make it to Y12SR but I do and I forget my yoga mat I feel exhausted, overwhelmed, running at a high nervous vibe, I didn’t really want to go, I wanted to isolate. The facilitator says so basically you are self sabotaging, you are walking the path back to what’s comfortable, booze. anxiety, isolating, not feeling good enough, and just wanting to numb it out. My response was slow and thought out, yes I was. She then pointed out that I wasn’t really though. If I had been I wouldn’t be willing, once I had realized I’d forgotten my mat, I didn’t turn around and leave, I was willing to do the yoga without a mat, I was willing to connect, to share my raw feelings and I just now needed to ground down and breathe and move my body.
We spoke after, I never thought (there than being pregnant) I could be 6 months sober and it really is a turning point, she said it really is just like every day that you choose not to drink. It’s only overwhelming if you let it be, don’t look forward don’t look back stay in today..
The connections I have made in this last 6 months have been incredibly powerful, the wisdom of the women I have connected with is beyond measurable. Showing up & Sharing & Connecting is one of the reasons I am sober today.
Have a great sober day!
I was always so exhausted and unmotivated from my hangovers the simplest tasks seemed like my legs weighed a thousand pounds and the dread of doing the not imminent chores or tasks got thrown to the wayside. Which of course just added up to the longest “didn’t do” list ever. Which made me anxious and irritable, nothing is worse than the simplest things piling up.
Now I can be a procrastinator, I get this and accept it about myself. Though tonight I noticed something, at 630PM when I was running out the door to buy stamps for a card that needed to go in the mail tonight…. what I noticed was, I did it and joyfully. The Side Effect of my Sobriety is Getting Shit Done. It’s a Sunday night usually I was so hungover and feeling down about myself and my wasted weekend I would not have just popped out, the door or I worse I was drinking again.
Months back I was exhausted and scared, I went to bed early, I had rocky sleeps, I was looking for stuff to do that didn’t involve drinking, anything to do, but I wasn’t getting shit done. I was hiding a bit. I would venture to things like yoga or coffee, or shopping. Fridays were scary, Sundays were scary and every day in between was scary. Looking back I’m ok with being scared, hiding from the world, and exploring the world in safe places.
It seems like I have woken up and I’m Getting Shit Done. Those little tasks don’t seem as tiring, I still have a didn’t do list but my to do list also has a lot crossed off. I’m sleeping really well and not going to sleep as early, and waking up refreshed. It’s like there’s been a reset button pushed and I’m GSD’ing.
Now off to write my gym workout and layout my gym clothes! Who is this woman!!!
Happy Sober Day Christina
Today my husband and I had a huge argument and true to all arguments we have, it derailed from the actual issue. I told him he is doesn’t do anything (as in go out and enjoy life, not as in work, he is a very hard worker) he told me “how can he go do anything with me when I’m no fun anymore”.
Wow that broke me and made me more furious LOL yes I am allowed to be angry, I give myself permission to feel all feelings. Back story, he was my drinking partner, as almost all my exes had been. We met through a mutual friend and we re-met in a liquor store. We went to pubs on every date we did, we took beer and wine on bike trips, we went to concerts in the park and drank wine, art openings we drank before during and after. We were at the local beach pub in the summer always. On holidays it was a party. We’d have great drunk sex. As so many stories go the party always gets old, and then we started not having fun while drinking, arguing more and more. We would go to bed angry, not having sex, we didn’t have friends around, who wants to listen to people fight when drinking, we were isolating and drinking and just really being an unmotivated, overpromising drunk couple. The fun at the end was limited, 95% of most nights did not end up as fun.
For the past few years the first year in damage control mode (IE trying to moderate) and then the past year in trying sobriety one of the reasons I would end up drinking is because we weren’t getting along and we didn’t communicate so I would drink to try and have fun with him and some nights it was ok, but read the last sentence up above again, the nights did not end up as fun. Definition of insanity: doing the same things over and over again, hoping for a different result. Was my life.
He’s right I don’t participate in his fun. My fun and his fun are now completely different. My fun is yoga, scrapbooking, playing tourist, going for coffees, having meaningful conversations, volunteering, doing random acts of kindness, dancing in the kitchen, taking goofy selfies, working out, going for coffee, visiting friends, biking, hiking, travelling, doing puzzles, cooking, my cats, going to the beach, doing events that are on in my City. He’s still is doing what we did when we met, basing everything around a cocktail.
Now in the old days pre 6 months ago, I would drink to get us back to “normal” Today I yelled “your right I’m not doing your fun things”. It felt good to say that I want him to know I’m serious about my new life. I love my fun life love it.
The argument I am lonely in this journey, but it’s my journey and I’m not willing to give up on my marriage, yet. His drinking has cut down, but his mindset has not changed and like all change it’s scary. I was ready he is not. I have to remember daily we can only change ourselves not someone else.
We have since talked and I literally told him what I have written here, and he agrees we need to find things to do together, that don’t involve drinking or scrapbooking.
What do you and your spouse do together?
Another Sober Sunday
So I have always been a no nonsense type of person. If I wanted to do something I did it, but if I didn’t want to do it, I dug my high heels in all the way to the core of the earth to not do it.
I hear today so many excuses though. When I decided to lose weight I was so uncomfortable in the pic that I saw of myself and felt so gross that was it. I did it slowly, I did it without fanfare, I did not declare a diet or a lifestyle change I just did it. I did it consistently, I did it through lots of research and change. Today my fitness is a healthy habit.
Getting sober consistently was a harder road for me, but I tried. I decided a year ago to really try and even though 2017 was filled with day one agains I still tried. Finally when I was so tired of wanting it I finally was willing to actually do something else. I let go of my judgements, I had to change my thinking my way was not working. I entered into an outpatient program I kept showing up, and slowly but surely there’s another 24 hours put together.
What I notice is the similarity between the two as they are both life changing & healthy
I have a friend that has bought every gadget (including a $500.00 smart watch even though she had a fit bit) that was going to make her exercise more, she was waiting to relocate, waiting to finish vacation, waiting for company to leave.. before starting to workout. Yesterday I sat in a support group listening to a woman that was in so much pain and we offered suggestions but she couldn’t do this or had a judgment around that type of program, she wanted sobriety. She isn’t willing to take any suggestions from group or advisors on change yet, and she’s been on the Recovery Road for 4 years. It was painful for me to listen to her (I cried for her).
What I noticed in both of these for me was that changing my life wasn’t easy, it’ s not perfect but I was so willing. It’s amazing when you open your heart and let go of your own ideas and don’t try and reinvent the wheel what can happen. I ask women who have spectacular hamstrings and great butts what their key exercises are, I also make sure I compliment them. For sobriety, I ask people what they did or do for fun, how they got through cravings, what if I found AA too religious or if I hated the word Alcoholic (which I do but honestly I like the group of people I found through it, so I don’t think too hard about the actual word GOD, and as for alcoholic I say I am Christina and I’m a problem drinker ) what really I do though is just let shit go, I don’t get too caught up in the wording. I go to a yoga 12 step meeting, which I love Y12SR, I have a support group, I had to take action though, not procrastinate, go to meetings and classes on days I didn’t feel like it and not make excuses or do it my own way. It’s what worked for me.
Here’s to another Sober Day!