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When recovery is not a straight path

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I have been reading books about other peoples stories & how they got sober and they all seem to have one thing in common … “oh I  felt like shit, saw the light prayed for a solution and got sober”. WOW that is not how my road to sobriety looked like at all.  I have prayed, went to counselling, went to AA, cut off people, been willing and still ended up back at that bottle of wine.

In recovery it’s all about choices but there is a drive so deep that leads us addicts back to the bottle or drug of choice,  what is that itch, any addict knows it.  I call it an itch because that’s what mine is, its like a tingling in the back of my neck. That itch says  a glass of wine won’t hurt, one cigarette will feel so good with that wine and then, the line to sober up is probably a good idea and all of a sudden it’s the next day.  I would vow once again, while feeling like absolute crap,  I will never drink again, and I meant it at the time.  Then that itch would return in a week and I would need to scratch it.

People spoke to me about my drinking when I was in my early 20’s in my late 20’s and into my 30’s.  I was not an every day drinker, but when I drank I was destructive to my life.  I had no spirituality, though I wanted to and I made very very bad choices.  I would get sober for 3-6 months and then boom back where I started.  My road to recovery was not a straight path at all.

I have seen people with 1, 3 & even 12 years sober, drink again.  I have seen good upstanding citizens go back and scratch that itch. No addict is beyond that.  We all only live one day at a time.  I don’t count my days  (I didn’t count them drinking) I say thank you for my sobriety today, I have a sadhana practise that is part of every morning routine and today I live One Day at a Time and work on my sobriety.

If anyone is reading this and your path is not all glowy and rosy and a straight line,  there are lots of us out there who didn’t get sober the 1st, 2nd, or 100th attempt.

Know you are not a failure and you are not alone.

Just never give up, giving up. EVER.

 

Sober Sundays

Sundays to me represent the start of the week, I’ve made it sober through another weekend (hell yes) , I am meal planning and I start my day with meditation and yoga, and a cappucino.  Sunday is my luxury day and all about me.

BUT……since I’ve become sober I am also usually beyond angry on Sunday morning, my husband is  an active drinker he’s been up 2 or 3 times in the night to pee and woken up the house, last weekend he was obnoxiously loud drunk falling down asshole and I slept in the guest room (of course he promised to change – he hasn’t) When I was drinking that’s when the nasty arguing would ensue.  I am glad he is out of the house working most Sundays it allows me to process my anger and sit with it and work through it.  As most Sundays I cannot stand him.  I know I’m not the only one who deals with this.  It’s hard to admit that you can’t stand your spouse sometimes.  Marriage is tough.

Here’s how I deal with my over drinking spouse.

  1. Remove yourself from the situation, do not risk your sobriety ever
  2. Have a hobby so while he’s drinking, you are busy, I was scrapbooking last night
  3. Acknowledge your feelings it’s ok to be angry, sad, resentful as long as you don’t hang on to it.
  4. Talk to someone (I never believe feelings should be bottled up)
  5. Be grateful it’s not you drinking
  6. Know you can’t change anyone else
  7. Go for a run, go to a park, yell scream get it out.
  8. Talk to him about getting help because you love him, but never the night after drinking
  9. Lead by example
  10. Remember you are not better than him, you are only ever one drink away
  11. Do what you love, do not let a drinkers hangover affect your day.
  12. Treat yourself (watch a movie you want to, paint your nails, go shopping, make your favourite meal)
  13. Do not overthink his drinking stop the hamster wheel, meditate.

 

This is literally what I do.  I have just finished my yoga and meditation and am watching 27 dresses!

 

Sunny days and the itch to drink

o.43658Have you ever noticed when the sun comes out and the itch to drink is there?

The nagging promise of the sun drenched patio’s filled with happy people drinking in the sun, bbq’s and everyone is having a fantastic drinking time, the promise of fun in the sun.

That itch is real.  What isn’t real is that promise of fun and what we don’t remember or what tv/movies don’t portray is that shit show behind what actually happens to a lot of people.

Waking up with a massive hangover as you are so dehydrated from being drinking and in the sun,  bank account is depleted, no idea how you got home, how 1 drink turned into 30,  the neighbours are pissed off with you because of the the fight with your friend/spouse that happened, the snapchat stories that are now floating around of you being a drunk fool.  The list goes on

This is the problem with the promise of fun in the sun, remember don’t romanticize it.  The itch maybe real but so is the shit show. Lest we forget.