You Give Give Give & they Take Take Take

I love the holiday Christmas Season.  The lights, the cold nights, the free skating rink in our city, the Christmas Markets and craft fairs.  I love it all.  Unfortunately I have a family that does not, and some of my family in general does not wish to participate in events.  So I am alone and lonely and quite often hurt.

Last night was one of these times yet AGAIN.  Tuesday night a GF of mine blew me off and said she forgot we had plans then Wednesday morning,  I had asked my sons girlfriend to go to the Christmas Market and she had said yes, well at 5pm she said she wouldn’t be able to go ,she was off to the gym and would make her way to our house around 7pm and please save her dinner.

I then went and asked my son if he wanted to go he had a lame ass excuse of it’s a Wednesday night (I didn’t ask him to go clubbing till 4am) I asked him to the Christmas Market and lights at Canada Place. This is max a 2 hour event, like home by 8pm  so just an excuse.

My husband & I barely getting along so I don’t ask him anymore, being in public I dont’ want to argue & it’s too exhausting.

I was in tears again, my family has no desire to do anything with me, I have even had to decorate my tree alone.  It saddens me, I want that connection. I was so hurt.  I am also trying to learn my lesson, stop asking them.

As a mom you do things even when you don’t want to, like cleaning vomit, ensuring your child is always first before you,  stand on a socccer field in the wind and pouring sideways rain in November, go to Christmas concerts that never end, do laundry that you swore was just done but it ended up in the laundry again, cook nutritious meals even though you’d really like to just have cheese and crackers for dinner and call in a night, volunteer on the PTA’s, Lunch Committees, Grad Committees the list is endless as a mom and not that I didn’t enjoy it but sometimes I didn’t want to go.

So I have decided to enjoy this holiday season without them I want to go to the events, there is Christmas Carrolling duels tonight in Gastown, there is a Christmas Fair tomorrow night that I am going to, I also want to go ice skating and I’ll be damned if my Bah humbug of a family is going to make me feel so alone that I don’t go and enjoy the season I love.  I dry my tears and remember having family doesn’t guarantee happiness or not feeling lonely and I am going to go and love the holiday season!








Do all relationships fail when one person gets sober and the other does not?

I have been studying this a lot, do all relationships fail when one person gets sober and the other does not.   There has been a dramatic shift in my marriage!  When we started dating  about 8 years ago, drinking and eating was how our life revolved, dinner & drinks, brunch & drinks,  biking then to the pub for eats & drinks, going to the beach for food & drinks, going out to a concert & drinks, hanging with friends.  Well you know how that old saying goes you get into a relationship and you get fat, well guess what miss skinny mini here at the age of 39 started to pile on pounds 30 or 40 of them.  So I changed our eating habits to eating clean & there was backlash from my now husband, I was extreme with how much I ate, what we ate etc.  I started to cook at home no more eating out.  My partner was not happy, I actually gave up drinking at that time too ( too hard to get up in the morning and go to the gym when hungover and oh the calories) but I wasn’t trying for sobriety I was not drinking because of calories then I when I would drink I’d drink vodka & soda with lemon (I don’t even like it)

Fast forward 5 years and I start to look at my sobriety I have found balance with my food not extremism, but when I eat a hamburger with bun and fries it was going to be a damn good one.  My weight yoyo’ed  last year because I was drinking so heavily and feeling like shit, we didn’t go out as much our friends dwindled, we were heavily drinking together.  Long gone were the days of drinking and having great sex.  Now we usually ended up in screaming really dumb arguments. You know the ones, (One night I decided I  wanted to go to Haiti (the next day)  and help the earthquake victims and ended up throwing a wine glass across the yard because he was yelling how stupid that was ) when I say dumb fights I mean dumb arguments and just horrible.

Fast forward to last November 2016 when I decided to give up drinking because I knew our marriage was not going to make it, I felt like shit, looked like shit and was so overwhelmed I couldn’t take my lifestyle anymore.  He did not quit drinking even though he promised too. He told me repeatedly how I didn’t have a drinking problem, how he preferred me drinking (of course as now he was drinking alone)

I caved around January 25-27th don’t remember the exact date, we were sitting in the Caribbean having just gone for a long bike ride I ordered a beer and a cigarette.  I continued drinking for the rest of my holiday.  I thought I’ll just go back to not drinking when I get home, I got home and within 2 days was drinking with him.  And was so bored of it sitting in our house like 2 drunks most times arguing sometimes even arguing about sitting like 2 dumb drunks.  I tried to get sober again and again and again, this past year has been full of day ones and restarting.   The funny thing is once you start looking at sobriety, it tickles your mind.  I always felt guilty when hungover, and shameful, feeling like a failure and immense anger like why couldn’t I drink like a normal person or get sobriety.  Well I know the answer because nothing had changed, I hadn’t changed, In the summer I was still sitting on the back patio with him, and some friends kicking back the drinks (it is progressive.)  So I started to put in changes, seeking out groups, seeking out online recovery, dipping my toes into change.

Now after 4 months of sobriety as of tomorrow,  I have changed.  I have sober friends, I have a hobby of photography and scrapbooking, I do things (today I made a list of Christmas events going on in my city), I try new things, I have joined IRL sober groups,  I am working on a business, I am going to do my Yoga Teacher Training in January (that made me lose my breath admitting this out loud to the world), I go to the gym, I go to spin class, I go to Yoga, I meditate, my day is organized and I have purpose and when I don’t I rearrange my day and refocus.

He and I do nothing together he’s still sitting on the couch drinking, I invite him to things but he doesn’t want to do anything he’s too tired.  So unless it involves drinking he has no interest.

Where does that leave our marriage, I am in several sober online groups and have new sober IRL friends and none of their marriages are working out.

New marriages are working out, people that date normie’s (normal drinkers) or meet people that don’t drink or are sober too.  Also marriages that both got sober, but existing marriages where you drank together, not when one drinks already like a normie and the other is the raging drunk are all around me sinking like the Titanic.

At this stage I’m very unsure, my marriage is on very shaky ground it has been for a while.  Now there’s even a bigger divide, our common thread is gone.  I have changed, I wanted to change I needed to change and I’m on a journey of change.

Do existing marriages workout?  I’d love to hear your experiences!

Cheers a round of water for all!


Just Keep Going…

Update from Friday, as I mentioned I’ve had a tough October, sober but tough… I wanted to give an update from Friday, as Friday was a bitch I was happy & anxious and I wanted to drink to get rid of the anxiety and be happier than I already was.  I ended up going to bed and not really being able to sleep despite being tired so watched Netflix.   I did not drink though.

Saturday I guess what I did.   NOTHING that’s correct, I did NOTHING.  I had a shower I got dressed and I did NOTHING.  I have no idea the last time I did literally NOTHING,  mom’s/wives/girlfriends/ daughters/friends/workers (put your label in here) don’t do nothing. My son asked me to go to his g/f’s soccer game I said no.  My husband asked me to go to Costco I said no.  Remember No is a complete sentence.  I said NO to everything that day and it was one of the best things I could do for me.  I stayed in on this rainy October yucky day and literally laid around. I Let my husband do the groceries(that’s another story (no vegetables or fruit was bought) , let him do the cooking & my son do the clean up and when I say I did nothing I mean nothing.

Guess what I woke up Sunday and I felt really good.  I needed a break from life, I took one probably one that I needed so long ago.  So here is proof, when you are struggling through cravings, it will go away if you do not give in, I didn’t drink and I’m so beyond words glad I’m sober and stayed sober.  So do what you need to do to get through the cravings ( I paced around, I reached out online, I meditated, I watched Netflix) because Friday was bad but Sunday is good.

Sobriety can’t be bought it is earned nano second by nanosecond, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.  Earning something and working for it,  I appreciate it, I cherish it a little deeper.  Maybe even deeper than I did on the days it came easy.

A round of water for all!