So a few things have been coming to light, I never viewed myself as a sensitive person in fact I would describe myself more as a hard ass than sensitive, (I’ve been called Gemma – as in the matriarch from Sons of Anarchy gulp) I don’t think I’m that hard. I’ve always had to be tough though, since I left home I put myself into situations that I shouldn’t have, I dated the wrong for me guys, I have partied myself financially destitute, I’ve been a single mom, I have always had a strong work ethic so I’ve worked 2 or 3 jobs to get ahead, I ensured that we always lived in a great neighbourhood. I’ve been strong and I have ugly cried.
Now I am sober, I feel that I’m being oversensitive, maybe I always was but numbed it, as I am watching this journey of emotions it’s very very intriguing to me to explore what is going on.
Three things today happened:
- I was sitting at the front door and my husband barged in front of me, trying to get out the front door , kinda of tilting me over and I barked at him that everything was always about him. Then my eyes welled up, as our marriage is not good as it is. I started to explore this was this me being sensitive or me becoming aware that his behaviour is quite rude.
- I was having coffee with a girlfriend today who is also in sobriety, first I was happy that I was able to stand up to her and say no ( she had wanted me to drive a long way out of my way to meet her at 1:30 because she had Christmas shopping to do in a certain part of the city that is crazy busy) We compromised on a later time and a coffee shop near both our houses. Not once did she ask about my life or sobriety. The only thing she said was “your rocking it” I said yes everything is going well. I didn’t tell her anything about anything. The entire conversation revolved about her and her life and sobriety. I left her feeling empty and had tears in my eyes I spent an hour with her of my precious time. I was feeling very aware here.
- I met up with another friend to give her, her Christmas Card and give her a hug as she is heading to a Recovery Home for 90 days and I can’t see her for 30 days, we talked about everything my life, her life the changes, everything. I left after 20 mins feeling so proud of her for doing this and so fulfilled and tears in my eyes, tears of joy and how much I’m going to miss her. So sensitive and awake.
I am so aware now of people and their actions, I know I cannot control them, just my reaction towards them. I leave today feeling bewildered three very different situations and so much sensitivity and feelings around all of them, pondering my part in them all. Human behaviour is so very complex.
Have you been more sensitive and awake to others behaviour and situations in your sobriety?
Grateful for another sober day.