I have been studying this a lot, do all relationships fail when one person gets sober and the other does not. There has been a dramatic shift in my marriage! When we started dating about 8 years ago, drinking and eating was how our life revolved, dinner & drinks, brunch & drinks, biking then to the pub for eats & drinks, going to the beach for food & drinks, going out to a concert & drinks, hanging with friends. Well you know how that old saying goes you get into a relationship and you get fat, well guess what miss skinny mini here at the age of 39 started to pile on pounds 30 or 40 of them. So I changed our eating habits to eating clean & there was backlash from my now husband, I was extreme with how much I ate, what we ate etc. I started to cook at home no more eating out. My partner was not happy, I actually gave up drinking at that time too ( too hard to get up in the morning and go to the gym when hungover and oh the calories) but I wasn’t trying for sobriety I was not drinking because of calories then I when I would drink I’d drink vodka & soda with lemon (I don’t even like it)
Fast forward 5 years and I start to look at my sobriety I have found balance with my food not extremism, but when I eat a hamburger with bun and fries it was going to be a damn good one. My weight yoyo’ed last year because I was drinking so heavily and feeling like shit, we didn’t go out as much our friends dwindled, we were heavily drinking together. Long gone were the days of drinking and having great sex. Now we usually ended up in screaming really dumb arguments. You know the ones, (One night I decided I wanted to go to Haiti (the next day) and help the earthquake victims and ended up throwing a wine glass across the yard because he was yelling how stupid that was ) when I say dumb fights I mean dumb arguments and just horrible.
Fast forward to last November 2016 when I decided to give up drinking because I knew our marriage was not going to make it, I felt like shit, looked like shit and was so overwhelmed I couldn’t take my lifestyle anymore. He did not quit drinking even though he promised too. He told me repeatedly how I didn’t have a drinking problem, how he preferred me drinking (of course as now he was drinking alone)
I caved around January 25-27th don’t remember the exact date, we were sitting in the Caribbean having just gone for a long bike ride I ordered a beer and a cigarette. I continued drinking for the rest of my holiday. I thought I’ll just go back to not drinking when I get home, I got home and within 2 days was drinking with him. And was so bored of it sitting in our house like 2 drunks most times arguing sometimes even arguing about sitting like 2 dumb drunks. I tried to get sober again and again and again, this past year has been full of day ones and restarting. The funny thing is once you start looking at sobriety, it tickles your mind. I always felt guilty when hungover, and shameful, feeling like a failure and immense anger like why couldn’t I drink like a normal person or get sobriety. Well I know the answer because nothing had changed, I hadn’t changed, In the summer I was still sitting on the back patio with him, and some friends kicking back the drinks (it is progressive.) So I started to put in changes, seeking out groups, seeking out online recovery, dipping my toes into change.
Now after 4 months of sobriety as of tomorrow, I have changed. I have sober friends, I have a hobby of photography and scrapbooking, I do things (today I made a list of Christmas events going on in my city), I try new things, I have joined IRL sober groups, I am working on a business, I am going to do my Yoga Teacher Training in January (that made me lose my breath admitting this out loud to the world), I go to the gym, I go to spin class, I go to Yoga, I meditate, my day is organized and I have purpose and when I don’t I rearrange my day and refocus.
He and I do nothing together he’s still sitting on the couch drinking, I invite him to things but he doesn’t want to do anything he’s too tired. So unless it involves drinking he has no interest.
Where does that leave our marriage, I am in several sober online groups and have new sober IRL friends and none of their marriages are working out.
New marriages are working out, people that date normie’s (normal drinkers) or meet people that don’t drink or are sober too. Also marriages that both got sober, but existing marriages where you drank together, not when one drinks already like a normie and the other is the raging drunk are all around me sinking like the Titanic.
At this stage I’m very unsure, my marriage is on very shaky ground it has been for a while. Now there’s even a bigger divide, our common thread is gone. I have changed, I wanted to change I needed to change and I’m on a journey of change.
Do existing marriages workout? I’d love to hear your experiences!
Cheers a round of water for all!